I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
