the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
