I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
