Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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