Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
