please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
