I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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