dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
