There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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