ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
