why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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