I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
