You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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