If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You smell like stripper and shame
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
