shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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