Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
