Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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