She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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