Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
