Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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