Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
