Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
