Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
