I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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