What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
