the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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