My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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