I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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