btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The ass gains better be worth it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
