WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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