I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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