kristin has been a bad kristin
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
