I must be too annoying 4 u.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
