Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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