The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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