he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
