he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
