How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We got so high we made milksteak
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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