It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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