by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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