All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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