May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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