I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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