Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
