I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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