I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
