I think my vagina is haunted
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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