im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
