It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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