I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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