Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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