$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
