fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
