He uses pillows to masturbate.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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