i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
