I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
