Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize