Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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